Running from yourself — cardio disguised as character growth
On learning that peace starts where denial ends.
I used to think self-improvement was velocity — forward, faster, higher, harder. Every new project, relocation, or reinvention felt like evidence that I was evolving.
I called it ambition, but it was really a form of flight: an elegant, high-functioning escape from stillness.
I could intellectualize anything except intimacy with myself. The moment silence entered the room, I’d fill it with motion — plans, productivity, purpose. Growth, I decided, was about collecting gold stars from the universe.
Only later — when I blew up my life and landed, at thirty-one, in my grandmother’s basement — did I realize momentum can be a very polished kind of avoidance.
[Eventually, all was quiet.]
The truth threshold
A person’s capacity for growth is directly linked to how much truth they can face about themselves without running away.
Clean. Insightful. Existential foreplay.
In reality? Complete emotional demolition.
Truth is not cinematic — it’s clinical at first. It shows you the version of yourself that performs calm but carries chaos. The part that says I’m fine while rearranging the rubble behind a closed door.
I met that version of me this year, and she did not arrive gently.
My life, on paper, looked like expansion: building brands, traveling, falling in love, chasing possibility. But internally, it was erosion. I kept mistaking the spike in my nervous system for proof of depth — calling it connection when it was the familiar pull of cortisol. I called my ambition a vision when it was often a safety plan. And I performed serenity so convincingly that *even I* believed the act.
But alas, everything finally cracked — and as an overachiever, naturally, I was humbled by a world-class collapse.
In the stillness that followed, I learned collapse is often just clarity wearing dramatic clothes. You think your life is falling apart, but it’s actually rearranging itself around what’s aligned. What’s true.
So naturally, truth began as irritation — the ache of realizing how often I narrated my pain instead of feeling it. How many “boundaries” were really performances of control. How I labeled chaos as passion because calm threatened my (admittedly poisoned) purpose.
And so began the quiet practice of facing myself without the usual exits: no blame, no over-analysis, no rebranding the lesson. Just sitting in the raw, uncurated data of who I’d become.
What truth actually feels like
Truth doesn’t waltz in like revelation. It arrives more like resistance — a quiet tightening in your chest, a voice that says not this again right before you do it anyway.
It’s the pause between what you know and what you’re willing to admit:
The facts you distort with your friends. The moment you justify staying (again). The silence after you say “it’s fine” and immediately feel the echo of the lie.
Facing truth isn’t enlightenment — it’s endurance.
It’s developing the stamina to hold honesty without performing it. And at first, I treated micro-honesties like a sport: spot a pattern, fix it fast, move on.
But truth isn’t impressed by velocity. It waits for reverence. It wants repetition.
Some days, facing it looked like staying quiet instead of over-functioning. Other days, it meant sending the message I didn’t want to send — you were right. And one crisp July morning, it meant walking away from people and illusions I’d built entire identities around.
The hardest part wasn’t seeing the truth. It was staying put while it rearranged me.
Standing still after truth arrives — that’s where the real becoming begins.
[Four months of intensive journaling later.]
The myth of the “healed” self
We glamorize transformation as if the end goal is perfection. But growth isn’t about becoming flawless; it’s about becoming fluent in your own humanity.
The “healed” self isn’t someone who never gets triggered — it’s someone who recognizes the trigger and stays kind.
The “aligned” self isn’t endlessly peaceful — it’s someone who knows when peace requires a boundary.
The “self-aware” self isn’t always graceful — it just no longer confuses collapse with connection.
Healing isn’t a finish line; it’s emotional literacy in real time.
What no one tells you is that awareness can feel worse before it feels better. Once you see your patterns, you can’t unsee them. Every avoidance strategy glows under blacklight. But that discomfort is proof of capacity — proof that you’re finally capable of holding more truth without dissociating.
What standing still looks like
Standing still isn’t stagnation. It’s precision. It’s saying, I’m not leaving this moment until I understand what it’s trying to show me.
Staying asks for a new kind of muscle — one built through tiny truth reps:
admitting when you’re performing wellness instead of practicing it
noticing when “standards” are really self-punishment in better fonts
forgiving the version of you who learned control as safety
Over time, those private precisions become integrity itself. And integrity, I’ve learned, is just the art of telling yourself the truth in real time.
Real growth is embarrassingly unsexy. It’s not the candlelit bath with affirmations; it’s the 3 a.m. realization that you’re the common denominator. It’s choosing a slower, saner way of living even when your ego misses the chaos.
But there’s a strange intimacy that comes from reality. When you stop running, life starts whispering. The world stops competing and starts choreographing. You stop forcing things to happen and start noticing how often they were trying to happen through you.
The more truth you can hold, the less you need certainty. And the less you chase certainty, the more peace begins to find you.
Somewhere along the way, I started mistaking truth for austerity — like beauty and honesty couldn’t coexist. But truth, when met with softness, is fucking stunning.
It refines you the way time refines stone: not by adding anything, but by wearing away what isn’t essential. There’s a sensuality to accuracy — when your inner and outer worlds finally share a frequency. When your words stop performing and start describing.
I now see that’s what confidence actually is: the quiet harmony between how you feel, what you say, and what you do.
Lessons in Lovings
Here’s what I know so far:
Truth first, clarity follows. You can’t analyze your way into alignment. You have to face it, feel it, and then form language around it.
Discomfort is data. If something hurts, it’s either misaligned or under-processed. Either way, the medicine is presence.
Grace is precision, not passivity. You can stay kind without staying silent. You can stay soft without shrinking.
Love without self-truth is fantasy. Every connection improves when you stop outsourcing honesty.
Freedom is earned through accuracy. The more precise you are about what’s real, the fewer cages you find yourself in.
Peace, then, isn’t a mood. It’s a nervous system calibrated to truth.
Why I’m writing here
This Substack is where I plan to write from the still point.
Expect essays that live at the intersection of truth, fashion, and emotional intelligence. Reflections on the subtle work of becoming softer and stronger. Stories about the moments that undo us just enough to make us real again.
If you’ve ever outgrown a version of yourself so quietly no one noticed — this is for you. If you’ve ever been the friend who “has it all together” but secretly craves gentleness — this is for you. If you’re tired of curated healing and ready for honest evolution — this is for you.
Welcome to the art of staying.
*For legal purposes: this piece isn’t about anyone or anything else — only the quiet courage it takes to stay with ourselves when life rearranges us 💋
Spill! What words did you use to describe truth?
Thanks for the love, Dags - adore you.
I love your description of the feeling of truth!! It’s something I’ve found in myself, I’ve put it in different words, but it’s so cool to see those same feelings mirrored. Love this post!!!!